Your help is not helping

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Do you know that moment when you notice someone who is struggling and you know exactly what they need to fix it? Eat less sugar, breathe deeper, do this or that? Or do you recognize the tendency within yourself to take away their burden? Paying for something, feeling their emotions for them, clearing their energies through your own system?

Have you asked yourself: is it really helping? It has something to do with teaching someone to catch the fish rather than doing the fishing. Are you fishing? For whom are you doing this? Sometimes we help one another in order to feel good about ourselves, rather than actually wanting to help. It does not make it wrong, yet it’s good to be aware.

The strong independent woman is a stereotype. From time to time I fit right into it. I am quite self sufficient. I love to chop my own wood, make my own food and make my own space mine. Nonetheless, I also have the desire to do things together, to join forces, to feel held just like I know I can hold you.

I just don’t always need your help. Really, I don’t. I love my ways, I love my independency, I love my space. Trust me. I will ask for help if I need it.

Really, trust me.

More than once lately I have been told I just need to allow people to help me or guide me or hold me. Just allooooow it. It is a serious task for someone to ‘just’ do that, when it sometimes just makes life more complicated. And I also wonder why would I have to allow it, when not feeling it? For whom would I then do it, me or them?

‘I rather do it myself’ is something I might think, and I also often hear other individuals say it. You know that moment when you say “Geeee, thanks….” and then afterwards you do not eat that pie, wear those clothes or find yourself cleaning the kitchen counter again. To myself and to them, I just want to say: it is okay. It is okay to know how you like things, it is okay to say no if someone gives you something you simply do not want. Just also allow yourself to ask for help and to receive help, when you need it.

I can relate to really wanting to help someone. I mean, I even made it into my profession to help people (where I still have to let them to the work instead of just ‘fixing’ it for them). I have learned from failure that it really, really does not help if someone is not open for your help. I know now, if I come in to save the day without permission, I might get a hard rejection. And I get that. Each one of us have our own lessons to learn and if I ‘help’ I might just rob you of your moment of growth.

Should we then just let everyone drown in their own sinkhole and let them deal with their own mess? Perhaps. Another option though, my favorite, is the simple solution to just ask: ‘How can I help?’ and to truly listen to their requests.

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