Why. Not. Now?

I have not been honest. To myself. To you. To the world. For several years have I been running around, roaming, wandering, telling myself that I have no clue what I am doing. That I honestly don’t know where I am going. That I am lost in the abyss of the unknown. That I don’t know what to do with this life. That I want to give up. That I am leaving.

That was a lie. A lie, that I so desperately held on to that it seemed like the truth. Why?

Maybe because I was afraid. Afraid that I might have found it. Afraid to fully show up and risk that I would just succeed. Why would one be afraid of that, you might think? Maybe because it is easier to fulfill the role of the failure, to postpone that which you want the most. There is going to be less disappointment when you expect nothing, from others, from the world, from yourself. And I have been disappointed, expecting the worst. I have often postponed my purpose, taken many detours, been very lost.

And it served me. In many ways. I have gone through the mud and I have seen the beauty and disgust in this world. I went through many experiences, the good and the bad, picking the fruits that were offered in hindsight. It has helped me to figure out myself. To learn what I want. To feel what my heart is longing for. To find out what it is that makes me soul sing. And what it is not.

Even though I felt like I stood still, I didn’t really. Slowly, things unfolded. Slowly,  I became more me. I went on my own medicine journey, going deep and dark. I have developed my own yoga practice. I am eager, to go even deeper. I did different offerings, yogic purifications, cathartic processes. I attended workshops, did the trainings. Step by step have I come closer to who I am. To what I want. Slowly, slowly, I have started to offer that which I have learned to others. Sharing it through the bodywork sessions that I offer, being who I am and assisting those who I trust and support.

And now?

This is just the beginning. I am not done. I want to learn more. Develop my skills, heighten my sensitivity. Learn more about trauma, the breath, the body. I want to feel it. I want to collaborate. I want to be inspired. Inspire you. Expand. Explore. I know what I want. I want it all. And I want it now. I want to combine the beauty of the worlds that I have encountered. The medicines. The tantra. The meditation. The silence. The dance. The healing. The body. The love.

Let me be absolutely clear about what my desires are. I want to be at service, offer my gifts to those who are willing to receive. I want to join forces, with people who inspire me. I want to expand my offerings, share it with more people. I want to connect to the spirit of the medicines, all of them. I am open, to see where I am being led. I trust, that I will attract the right people, find the right tribes. I am calling in places and people whom I resonate with. Let’s do it. Now.

Why?
Why not?
Why not now?
This is what I want, right here, right now.
Are you with me?