I don’t want you to come close to me. I don’t want you to be my friend. I don’t want to connect to you. I don’t want to open my heart. I don’t want to feel yours. I want you to get out of my life. I want you to let me be alone. I am stronger like this. I am better like this. I am safe like this. Leave me now. Thank you.
This is pretty much how I used to feel. Most of the times. For a long time. As long as I can remember. Without really being aware of it. Oh, the beauty of seeing things clearly. In hindsight.
At the same time, I felt a longing for connection. A longing to belong. I could not grasp this feeling. What I did feel, was that I do not belong in this world, nor do I belong to my family, my friends, my peers. I am different than all of you and I do not belong here. For a long time, this was my reality. I was split between wanting to belong somewhere and fighting the urge to belong, running away as soon as I started to grow roots, make connections or feel at home.
Only recently has this underlying pattern become extremely clear to me. I thought that I had myself all figured out, until I realized I had not. Truth to be told, I always go through this cycle – where I think I see it all, then I realize it was only the beginning, I go through a deep process and once again think that I figured it all out. And every time that this happens, I have to remind myself of the importance of letting myself go through the shit, to really feel what there is to be felt, to once again repeat the cycle that reveals so much truth.
What to do with our dysfunctional patterns when they arise? Give it space. Feel it. Witness is. Process it. Talk about it. If you can’t solve it by yourself, seek help. A therapist. An anger coach. A bodyworker. I believe in doing your own work and being strong and independent, yet I also think it takes a strong personality to admit that you actually cannot do it all by yourself. Ask for help. How challenging it might be, the support and huge impact that a loving, supportive community has is immense.
How to build and maintain long lasting, deep and healthy relationships? For many people this seems to be very easy. For me, not that much. I usually get to know many people when I am in a new place, or when I come back to an old place. I connect easily and am often liked by many, even though I feel weird saying this about myself. On the other hand, when connecting to people, showing myself, opening up my heart – I want to run away. To another place. Another country. Maybe even another reality.
Why do that? Because it feels safe. A part of me does not trust deep, honest, loving connections. A part of me feels that if I love someone, they will leave me. And as a coping mechanism, I have made sure I would be way ahead of all of them and leave, time after time after time. Yes, it seems pretty dysfunctional. No, it is not something you just realize and then stop doing. It is a process. Of letting go.
A process, that takes time. Things take time. Wounds usually do not heal overnight. Sometimes it takes days, months, maybe even years. Grant yourself the time that you need. Cherish the little steps forwards that you take. Be grateful for the steps backwards, because they hold precious teachings for your future.
I am not there yet. I still have more work to do. Frankly I think I always will. And I am content, because the more inner work that I do, the more I feel. The more I feel, the more clearly I see myself – and others as well. Things are changing. I am changing. I do not run away. I do not judge the processes that arise. I embrace it. I embrace it all. It is exhausting. Extremely hard at times, yet also extremely rewarding.
Slowly, slowly.. I am ever so gently inviting the old habits, old pain and patterns to let go. To let go of me. Where they once served me and my process as a shining armor, protecting me, keeping me alive – I do not need that anymore. I see that now. I feel it. I humbly thank them for serving their purpose and kindly ask them to now leave me, please.
I am Linde de Bock. I give bodywork sessions around the world, and I write. What I write is my truth, coming from my own experience, different teachings and life. If you wish to find out more about what I do, want to book a session or aim to collaborate – I invite you to take a look at my web page or to contact me with any inquiry.