In love with a woman

I am often intimate with my friends. Sometimes even with strangers. Sometimes I don’t even know their name. Sometimes they didn’t even ask mine, before they got to know my most intimate secrets, my strongest desires and deepest longings.

What is intimacy to you? Is it sex? Making love? Touching someone? Speaking your truth? Unveiling your trauma’s, fears and insecurities? Are you always intimate when you have intercourse with someone? Do you always go into physical penetration when you have the desire to connect, to be intimate? Have you explored all the different flavors of intimacy, of connection, of truth? Skin to skin, heart to heart, soul to soul.

I express my love to my family, my friends, my people. I dare to tell them they are appreciated, seen, loved. I speak up when I am being triggered, annoyed, angry. I can express my fear of rejection, without being rejected. I cry with my people. Sometimes they hold me. Sometimes I can just be. I play with them. I fight with them. I can be naked with them, vulnerable to the bone. We sing. We dance. We hug. We live. We make love with life in a way that often is forgotten. We are slowing down, opening up, embracing what is when it is, in its ever-changing form.

Does intimacy equal sex? Do I have to have a relationship with you when I am in love? Can I be someone’s lover, beyond the form that society sets, beyond the form that we know? Am I in love with the fantasy of you and me, or do I see beyond? Can I see through the veils of humanity and recognize the divinity in you? Is love limited? Is it defined by gender? Can I love a woman, like I can love a man? Can I love myself, like I love you?

I am in love with a woman. I love the way she moves through life. I love her passion, strength and curiosity. I find her brave, I admire her courage. I am curious where she is being led in life, where she will let herself be taken. She is doing it, even when she has no clue what the fuck that might be. Step by step, breath by breath. She is moving, slowly, slowly, yet ever expanding, exploring. I admire her. Her beauty, her softness, her ability to love beyond conditions. I love her failure. I love her defeat. I love the way she looks like shit after she has hit rock bottom, and all she can do is cry. I love how she keeps trying nonetheless.

I am in love with a woman. This woman is me. And honestly, I am still only starting to build a healthy and sustainable relationship with her. I am starting to accept her. I am still figuring out who she truly is, what her heart really longs for. I am starting to embrace the flaws and the things that I might think are not perfect about her. Sometimes I still freeze in social anxiety, when I show up fully as me and in hindsight I can only think ‘What the fuck did I just do?’.

What lies underneath? The fear of rejection? The fear of abandonment? The fear of death? I don’t know. It takes a lot, to dare to be intimate with oneself, let alone with others. Intimacy goes beyond beauty and happiness, beyond physical attraction, beyond sex. Intimacy to me is to see it all. To be intimate is to be truthful. The truth can be exhilarating, amazing, mind blowing. Truth, on the other hand, may also be intimidating, scary and painful. Can I embrace it all?

I am slowly starting to recognize my people. I am slowly starting to realize that I alone have to walk my path, yet I am not alone on this road. It takes time to grow. When we fight together, we grow together. It takes time to integrate all the beauty, the wisdom and lessons that life throws at us. It is scary as fuck. It is challenging.

I often find myself in workshops where we do ‘the work’. We do exercises, hold hands, practice bodywork, practice how to breathe. We hold space for one another, because the workshop leader told us. We learn how to be intimate, reflective, honest. We are listening to someone talk, because that is the exercise we are doing at the moment, right?

Honestly, the work does not end with the end of a workshop or a retreat. The real work is what you do, when no one is telling you what the next step is. The real work is what you do when you are living. Life is like a mirror, reflecting it all back to us. It is beautiful. Confronting. Difficult. Can I embrace it all? Can I love it all?

Have you explored life beyond your imagination? Have you seen yourself, your loved ones, your life, from all the different perspectives, seeing the different realities that are intertwined around you and me and all of us? Are you being truthful? Do you dare to be intimate? Are in you love with you?

 


I am Linde de Bock. I give bodywork sessions around the world, and I write. What I write is my truth, coming from my own experience, different teachings and life.  If you wish to find out more about what I do, want to book a session or aim to collaborate – I invite you to take a look at my web page or to contact me with any inquiry. 

 

One thought on “In love with a woman

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: