Fight me. Force me to the ground. Hit me hard with life and push me down in sorrow. Let’s go deeper, let’s go harder. One more push, one more hit, one more line, one more sip. One more layer, one more scream, one more breath. One more. We can do one more. Fuck the limits, let’s explore the boundaries and see how deep down the rabbit hole we can drown.
The intensity junkie. The one who thrives in chaos and indulges in extremities. The one person in the crowd who stands up when the impossible is being proposed. The one who jumps out of airplanes. The warrior. The free diver. The one who takes the last shot, the biggest piece, the greatest challenge. The worse the better; the harder it is, the easier it feels.
We all get our kicks from somewhere. Some people take it slow, ease into things, are satisfied with the small steps. And some people prefer to go fast, direct, diving into depths without any air to see how deep one can go without drowning. There is an excitement, anticipation, a risk to be taken. There is no right or wrong, just one way or the other.
I have tried many different ways of getting to a place of satisfaction. I was drinking heavily, partying hard, running far. Sleepless nights, long days of hard work, loud music, going towards the dangerous things in life. Always searching for something, anything, that could show me a glimpse of truth. It came from a place of discontent and boredom, but also curiosity and excitement. It was incredible, yet also slightly pushing the self-destruct button.
When you are a lover of intensity, there are many places where you may find it. It may express itself in an unhealthy and slightly unbalanced way – through consuming substances, pushing the limits of your body or being attracted to the wrong lovers in life. One can become addicted to the adrenaline that comes from danger, and danger can express itself in many forms. You can also do what seems to be the more healthy and conscious choice – and dive deep into the exploration of the self and find your intensity there. There are many ways of going into catharsis, to let out all of your suppressed anger and fears and emotions – which also hold a huge amount of intensity. And you might ask yourself: where is the line between growth, and when are you simply fulfilling the cravings of the intensity junkie inside of you?
Why are we here? What is our purpose? Where are we going? How do we want to live? Who do we want to be? Some people ask themselves these questions every day. Some people have never even thought about it. And maybe, some people have found answers. Yet, most of the time, it is a continuous search, tumbling through the constant change of life. The goals and dreams of today might dissipate into the clouds of the future, or crumble in the ashes of the past.
How do you move through life? How do you learn? How do you dance? How do you express yourself? There are many different kinds of people out there. When you have found your tribe, it is easy to relate. You live together, you cry together, you fight together, and you grow together. Yet sometimes, it is also deceiving, as if your way is the way. When you are waking up and become capable of opening up your eyes, you might see the precious teachings you can get from witnessing the other ways. When looking over the fence, instead of judging – what could you learn?
Who am I? In order to find an answer to this question, that I hadn’t even consciously asked myself, I tried many different things. I crossed high mountains and dived into deep waters. I explored my boundaries and also stayed in my cave, hiding from people, hiding from life. I felt the high highs and survived the low lows. And still, I am not done. I am exploring, wandering, wondering if I will ever find an answer.
How do we know we have arrived? When is it enough? When is the exploration over? Maybe it never ends. Maybe we always will crave more intensity. Maybe the intensity of a flower will be enough one day. Maybe we never get to the finish line. Maybe there is always going to be something new and more exciting. And maybe, that is just perfectly fine and there is no need to fight it at all. Maybe we will get the answers in this lifetime, maybe we will only understand once we have died. Maybe. Or maybe not.
Coming from a place of intense self-destruction, I slowly found a new way of living. A way of living that is more harmonious, more aligned with who I would like to be and how I would like to live – yet it still comes with a fair amount of intensity. There is a craving, a drive, a hunger for more, which is hard to satisfy. I can deny it, defy it and try to be different. Or I can embrace it, allow it to flow through me and see where it will bring me.
The intensity junkie. For some people you can be hard to be around, because you can seem intimidating, pushing boundaries or simply being frightening. For others you might be an inspiration, because you show a way that others only dream about in a far away fantasy. For one person you might be a blessing and a lifesaver, for another person you might just be a simple trigger, a lost thought. Both is good. We all have our own ways, our own teachers, our own lessons. As an intensity junkie, one lesson might be to step down sometimes, to slow down and take in this moment. This breath. This life. And then, when the dust settles, when the teachings become clear – we jump off the cliffs again and dive deep into the next chapter of life.
I am Linde de Bock. I give bodywork sessions around the world, and I write. What I write is my truth, coming from my own experience, different teachings and life. If you wish to find out more about what I do, want to book a session or aim to collaborate – I invite you to take a look at my web page or to contact me with any inquiry.