Ever wondered if you are on the right path? Doing the right thing? Connecting to the right people? Living the right life? Ever worried that you might be failing? That you maybe could do better? That you might not be perfect? Yes, really? Fuck it.
I am not perfect. Far from it. I am doing many things that many people might think I could do differently, including myself. The more you judge, the worse it gets. Yes, there are always better options, or different ones at least. And yes, in hindsight it will always be crystal clear that you would have been much better off going the other way. But where is the fun in that? And honestly, do you think you learn more from always doing the right thing, or by fucking up repeatedly? Again and again and again, until you have learned your lessons, maybe?
This is who I am. I fuck up. I go into the extremities of things. I like to do what I do from the depths of my heart, also when it is fucking up. And I love it. And I love the phrase fuck it, for it covers most the things in the most profound and simple way possible. And saying it out loud, with heart and devotion will make things a little bit better – or at least a little bit less serious.
Fuck it. You left me. I honestly thought I would never get over it, even though I knew I would. Oh, the sweet contradictions of life. It was harsh, heartbreaking, painful. I felt ashamed, because I was so broken because of something that was not whole to begin with. Fuck it. I am fine now. I feel different. So different. I have learned some very important lessons. Gained a lot of inspiration. Thank you.
I am not doing my two-hour daily morning practice and I do also not meditate for an hour every day. There are people in my surroundings who might think they could help me, or who think I could do better and step more into my potential, gain more growth, do more spiritual work. At one point I indeed thought that this was the way to live, and in order to be happy I also needed to be vegan, stop drinking, smoking or using any other substances and stop everything that is slightly unhealthy. Fuck it.
In hindsight it is easy to say I was simply becoming very miserable, by judging every single thing I did. I robbed myself from my freedom, my expression, my impulsive joys in life. Fuck it. I am doing great. I find time to be still, I stretch, I run, I move, I do yoga, I rest, I eat, I dance, I laugh, I love.
One of my teachers along the way said that to work with plant medicines, like ayahuasca, does not fit a spiritual lifestyle and that one should only do it when your guru says that it would benefit you. Fuck it. First of all, I don’t have a guru or a spiritual teacher whom I trust with my greatest (or smallest) life decisions. Second of all, without the plant medicines I would not even have a spiritual understanding at all, for I was oblivious to the amazing realms that I had yet to encounter. Fuck it. Who is more capable of deciding what is best for me, but me, anyways?
I thought that if I show up to people the way I want them to show up to me, they will too. Fuck that. That was a big illusionary bubble that needed to be shot into a thousand pieces. I learned the hard way, that people do not meet you the way you want them to meet you, just because you are standing there, waiting, holding out your hands and heart to them to receive you. I have learned that being patient is beautiful, but waiting for something that never is going to happen is useless. Fuck it. I understand it now.
Life is overwhelming at times and I am exploding in love. Fuck yes. I have been holding on to many attachments, many memories, many imaginary and maybe very real chords. I felt captured, depleted, broken. And then I let go. I would be lying if I would say it was easy. I have been diving deep, into my shit and into my darkness. Fuck it. I have done work, my work, their work, life’s work. And there I found something which I had forgotten – my true essence, my strength, my love for life, my power. I feel like I am back from the dead. I feel like I can breathe again. I feel free. Life is beautiful.
I am starting to really understand the fact that I am not in control. I have really tried to control everything, in my life, in your life, everything. And it is exhausting, draining, and impossible. Fuck it. I let go. Dear Life, I surrender, and really, honestly, let go. I do not want to control myself, you or anything else anymore. I know, the urge to control the uncontrollable might try to sneak back up on me. Fuck it, for now I am free.
I fuck up. And I love it. I love the waves of life, I love the way I am and I love the strength I feel whenever I go through hell. Life is tantric. What does that even mean? That I am embracing all of it, the good and the bad, the light and the dark. I am not trying to squeeze myself into any straight jacket of any enlightened master’s method any more, for I am not this, nor am I that. I am living my truth, being true to myself, to my strengths and to my weaknesses, embracing it all. And you might think that is not tantric. Fuck it, I think it is.
I see myself clearly now. I am loving myself, every day a little bit more. I see how I find strength in the chaos, how I feel alive in the mud, how I feel blessed by the storms and the thunder and the rain. I am witnessing the power of staying close with my people, who show up the way I show up for them. I see how life is unfolding, every single step bringing me closer to my truth, my inner guidance, my purpose. And I know that whatever goes up must come down, and I know life will not always be as bright as it seems and that things inevitably will change, for the better or worse.
Fuck it. I love it. I am alive.