Time is a peculiar thing. It is always changing, creating, destroying. There is always an uncertainty in what is yet to come, yet it is inevitable that it will. It is precious to look back at your choices, your partners, your life. It is astonishing. Humbling. Every single time.
I am looking back at my time in Peru, yet again. My view of the world is turned upside down. My reality shaken. My heart broken open. The time I spent in Pisac was five weeks. Only five weeks. It felt like five lifetimes, at least. Time is becoming fluid, like water, pouring through the cracks of life, washing away all that does not serve any purpose anymore.
There have been many different phases. It started with grief. I was experiencing so much pain and sadness when I arrived. Everywhere I went, I started crying, with every nice person asking me how I was doing. I was in grief about the relationship that had just ended, and all the other relationships that once did not work out. I was in grief about the life I thought I was creating, that I thought I was living, which seemed to be a lie. The grief of a life partner, the time we lost, the plans that inevitably changed.
From grief I went into acceptable awareness. It crept onto my being, very gentle, very patient. Slowly, slowly, it did not feel that heavy anymore. I did not feel like I got rejected by life any more. I did not feel like dying anymore.
Because I died.
I am not the same person anymore. From grief and acceptance, I entered the stage of anger. And my anger is very present. She is fierce. She does not back down, once she is awakened. And she heard my call. She came to visit, to support, to process. She came to work. She burnt away all the doubts, inhibitions and limitations. She ignited my inner fire, my knowing, my trust. She allowed me to express what was dormant, to feel what was stagnant.
By allowing myself to feel anger, the fierce and uncontrollable rage came up which I was holding on to inside. I have been raging against the pain that I felt. The patience that I gave. The love that got thrown away. I have been raging against the system, the higher plan, the teachings. I have been raging in resistance, allowing all of me to be there. Life knows what she is doing and she is only providing you with that which you can handle. I am grateful for every single thing I have seen, felt and experienced – but damn she can be a bitch.
After allowing the grief and anger and rage to flow through my being, I felt empty. I was hollow. It felt as if there was nothing left of the person I used to be, the person I used to know. And when one is empty, one can grow. When one is empty, one can become a new person and enter new realms of reality. When we are aware, we can do this consciously and choose what we let into our being. We can choose what we want to become our new ground, our new core.
Love entered my being. Fully. In a way I never experienced before. I sometimes feel so much in love, with all there is, that I think I might go insane. I always resisted surrendering, for I did not trust. But this time it felt different. There was nothing to surrender to, because all that existed was trust. Trust in me, trust in you, trust in life, trust in the way of love, trust in the way of being.
My heart got shattered into pieces, again, and again, and again. And it showed me, that this is the way it breathes. This is the way it is sharing its love. By constantly being there, fully open, vibrating, pulsating, giving and receiving the cosmic energies that are ever present. And it may be painful, but it is precious. I rather have my heart opened in trust than closed by fear, even if it means I might get hurt.
From surrendering into this love that is present, I have entered a state of acceptance. I am accepting where I am at in life, in love and in the process. I am accepting the mess that I get into along the way. The heartbreak. The longing for more. The fulfilling of desires. Looking back I see that all that needs to be witnessed, is what is present. Here. Now. Today. There is nothing outside that is going to change what is growing, slowly, constantly, inside of me, inside of you.
I bow in deep gratitude to every single being that showed me something, anything, along the way. Thank you, for recognizing me, relating to me or to a single word that I am saying. Thank you for showing up. Thank you for loving. Thank you for the work that you do, how big or seemingly small it may be. Thank you for being. I love you.
Thank you life, for always being there, reminding me of what matters. Thank you life, for allowing me to be in your earthly melting pot, simmering, brewing, evolving. I am grateful, for coming down here, again, to experience, grow and change whatever got stuck the last time. When there is nothing left to be said, nothing left to be felt, nothing left to be done – we have arrived.