Love equals pain, and therefor it is in pain that I will exist. If you love me, you will hurt me and I love you for that. I thrive on pain. I feed on pain. I feast in pain. I love pain.
Somewhere along the road I must have gotten it wrong. Somewhere along the road, I have learned that to be loved must be painful – and therefor I accept pain as a loving gesture. I do not have my boundaries straight, for I do not know where to put them. I am not sure I know how it feels to be loved, because I am convinced that it must hurt. Doesn’t it?
I have been told that one must get comfortable with death before dying. They told me it is only when one dies, that one can be reborn. Without death, there is no life. With death, there is silence. With death, there is peace. With death, there is nothing to do. Death is without pain. Only those who live, will suffer. Does that mean, that death is the only way out of this misery?
Can I just decide that a part of me will die and no longer live forth? Can I wholeheartedly choose love over pain, and release the old patterns and beliefs that I have regarding life? Can I just dismiss my dysfunctional behavior and create new pathways, new core values, new life standards? Can I?
Am I worthy enough to be loved? Am I good enough? Beautiful enough? Strong enough? Do you see me? Do you love me? Am I weak, for wanting to be loved? Am I weak, for wanting companionship? Am I weak, for wanting recognition? Am I too weak, to be loved?
Today I die.
I release myself from the burden of seeking love outside of myself. I release myself of the nagging feeling of not being good enough. I release myself from the thoughts that tell me that I am not worthy. I release myself from the impossible mission of finding someone else to love me, for me. I release myself from the relations, who do me nothing but harm.
What if all it takes is a simple choice? Nothing else. Choose love, and you feel love. Choose yourself, and you will feel love for yourself. Does that mean that no one else can love me? No. But no one else will have to fulfill the need to be loved, for I already am fulfilling this myself.
No. It is not a simple choice. It is an important choice, a life changing choice, when made with the full strength of your heart. It needs dedication, commitment, devotion. It is not a simple death of the self, like flicking a light switch. It is a process, which takes time, nourishment and love. It is a deep process, which can touch the inner core of your being and shake your whole reality as you know it.
Today I live.
And I choose the way I want to live, the way I want to be, the way I want to relate to others, to life, to myself. I am honoring myself, my needs, my desires. I am walking my path, stumbling gracefully upon the inevitable bumps along the way. I embrace all the lessons, the teachings, the grief, the sadness, the happiness, the love and the growth.
Choose love. Choose yourself. Choose your boundaries. Pick your battles. Find those who are worthy of your love, your companionship, your efforts. Don’t linger too long, waiting to be seen, waiting to be loved in the same way you love them. Choose yourself. Love yourself.
Yes, I am worthy of love. Yes, I am strong. Yes, I am beautiful. Yes, I am loved. Yes, I am seen. Yes, I am alive.