My eyes are swollen. My cheeks are raw. Salt tears keep flowing. My chest is contracted. My heart is heavy. I can’t breathe. I can’t breathe! I feel ripped apart, completely broken. I love you. I love you so much that it hurts. I am broken into a thousand pieces, shattered on the floor. I am gone. Please don’t leave me. Don’t leave me! I can’t breathe…
I am alone. Am I abandoned? Rejected? Lost? No. I am just alone. I am afraid. Afraid of being alone. Afraid of being lost. Afraid of being rejected. I don’t trust you. I can trust me.
I have forgotten who I am. I have fallen into the trap of thinking that I need anyone outside of myself, in order to feel complete. I have found myself broken and insecure many times before, but this time, it is different. Something broke within my being. Something, which was not whole to begin with. I forgot.
I have forgotten to take care of myself, to love myself, to be with myself. It hurts. It hurts when I am with you, it hurts when you are leaving. It hurts, for a part of me became a part of you – a part which I needed myself. I forgot.
I understand what the core of a relationship is. I am evolving, step by step. I am learning as I fail, failing as I learn. I am rediscovering the truth within my being. I am rediscovering who I am, again, and again, and again. I forgot.
I understand. In order to be in a loving, healthy, full relationship, both partners need to be full by themselves. You can go running around, pouring your half cup into other half cups – but it will never become full, there will always be something lacking. You will never be whole. I forgot.
I forgot. But slowly, slowly, I remember. I remember who I am. I remember the love I feel for myself. The love I feel for others. The love I feel for love. In order to remember, I had to be broken. The illusion had to be shattered. The pieces torn apart.
I wanted to ignore the signs. The signs of my body. All the signs that told us that we needed to move on. I wanted to hide. It is hard, to leave someone you love, in order to pursue your own path. It is hard to be left by the one you love, because they seek their own growth. It hurts. I remember.
I remember why I am here. I remember my strength, my warmth, my love. I remember my path. Sometimes, the things that scare us the most, may turn out to be exactly what needed to happen in order for you to grow. I remember now, to trust.
I remember that I am not alone. I remember, that I am being held, being loved. I remember that I need no one else but me. I remember that I can ask for help, if that is what I seek. I remember, how to hold myself. I thought that I had left, that I had abandoned myself. I see now, that all I had to do was to remember.
Remember. I see you. I am here.
I am Linde de Bock. I give bodywork sessions around the world, and I write. What I write is my truth, coming from my own experience, different teachings and life. If it resonates with you, good. If it doesn’t, good. Think for yourself what is true. If you wish to find out more about what I do, I invite you to take a look at my web page or to contact me with any inquiry.