Choke on love

I am ready
To sacrifice my heart
I am ready to die
In this moment
And this moment
And this moment

These walls. They won’t crumble. It took a lot of work to build them. And it takes a lot of work to break them down. I cried many tears. Shed a lot of layers. Went through a lot of pain. And still. I am protected. These walls are surrounding me, making me heavy, disconnected. I am protected by my own creation – one I once though I needed. A creation, I thought I had destroyed. Boy, was I mistaken.

I remember the first lover who almost breached my walls. I thought I loved him, yet I could not let him in. Little did I know. He left, and what remained was this stinging pain, this open hole in my chest, beating slowly, without any life left. It hurt, and I pledged to never let anyone else in. I swore to never ever let love in anymore.

Love equals pain. Love equals rejection. Love equals disappointment. Love equals nothing. For a long time, this has been my truth. I do not know when this belief started to build within my being, but there it was. I completely shut out love, I stopped loving myself, stopped loving life. I never felt depressed, I just did not care. I don’t care if you love me or not. I don’t care if you are here or if you leave. At one point I did not cry for years. I did not really love either.

I don’t know where this all started, it might have started in the womb for all I know. What I do know is that it slowly, slowly started to change. I started to explore new depths of this world, this world that I had rejected. This world, where I had fully rejected myself.

I went to different communities where people hugged, meditated, sang and did medicine. I felt uncomfortable, but I went in deep. I accidentally opened up Pandora’s box and all the pain, grief and suffering of all these years came out. I cried daily for a year, and the year after that. Sometimes with a reason. Often, just because. I still did not feel depressed. I finally felt alive. And then I came upon new walls, more hidden walls, within my being.

They say that life is a spiral. That you encounter difficulties, you solve them, and later in life you encounter them again, yet now you are closer to the core. The work is never done. The process will always be there. It is up to you, to again and again go there and see what lies underneath, to process it, and go on again.

Emphasize beauty. Emphasize love. Do not emphasize the limitations of your being. Focus on the beauty in the stillness and awareness. Sometimes you may be overwhelmed, but trust and love will take you forth.

There is a profound beauty in silence, when you look at silence in love. Love is not loud, love does not scream, it does not push. True love is always there, no matter what. It is the sounds, our words, our thoughts, that make it into something else. Let go of your thoughts, let love be as it is. It is always there for you, just as it will always be there within you. All you have to do is listen.

For in silence you can’t hide
True love needs no words
True love shows herself
In silence
Be quiet, my love
Stop seeking
And I shall be there
As I have always been

 

 

 


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