My beloved, I need you. You are mine. You are my obsession, I always think about you, I always want you in my life. I am using you, in every single way I can. You are my direction, my guidance, my support and my protection. I can’t live a single day without you. Without you, the whole world would crash and burn with no survivors left. Without you, I am lost.
Control. You feel like a marvelous lover, yet you are not my true love. You feel so exhilarating good, yet I must let you go. Please. I really want to let you go.
Oh, my dear. Why are you so persistent, why does your grip always feel so tight? Why do you always feel the need to possess me?
I am afraid that I will get hurt. I am afraid that I will be left alone. I am afraid that you will fail me, that nothing is going to work out and that in the end we all will get hurt. I don’t want to hurt anyone, please let me be in control.
My dear. What do you really need? What is it that you want?
I don’t know. I don’t know what I want for me, for I have only paid attention to you. I want to trust myself again. I want to feel myself again.
What is it that your heart yearns for?
I want to let down my guard. I want connection. I want to surrender into the strength of beautiful men, without having the need to control them. I want to dive into the softness of women, without feeling the need to be cautious and alert. I want to honor my boundaries and feel safe within myself. I want time. Time to trust into myself, time to trust into others. I want to be free. I want to surrender.
There is nothing wrong with being in control in life, but you can go down a slippery slope when you are trying to control too much – my life, your life, their life – everything. It is not possible to control your partner. It is not possible to control the outcome of every event in your life. You can’t control feelings, emotions, intuition – let alone the feelings, emotions, and behavior of someone else. You may try, but I am afraid you will get disappointed. I know I got disappointed when it hit me, when I finally understood. But – being in control made me feel safe.
Being in control is a fake safety – but a safety which feels very important to me. But why? Trying to control everything is exhausting, pointless and an act of fear. I don’t want to live in fear, yet I have not figured out how to let go of control. I do not know exactly where this need of control is coming from, and I do not need to know. What I do know, is that I am ready to let go.
I am lost.
Can you find me?
Let’s go and search together.